We have two daughters, adopted in
Russia in 2000... One of the last one trip, one week adoptions I'd think.
Our youngest has FASD. I
"knew" she was affected from the moment we met her. They are bio
sisters, were a package deal and no way were we going to say no.
I think because I always
saw her quirks and glitches through the prism of FASD, we parents have suffered
very little additional frustration....many (who don't get a dx for their kids) acquire our own little dose
of PTSD!
I realized when she was in
the 4th grade that she would never earn a standard HS diploma. It was sad and
freeing at the same time. She is a joy to have in our lives. Funny, sweet,
loving, hardworking....quick to become exhausted, often confused, open and
honest when she feels safe. My thinking has always been that we would never be
able to knock the corners off her square peg, that we had to make sure the
round hole was big enough she could fit in it which room to be different.
I'm on a group for parents
with teens and young adults with FASD. What an endless pit of misery. So many
of these families had no idea of FASD, before adoption, during the process or
anywhere along the way when the child was young enough to parent differently. I
hardly ever post there because our experience with our almost 16 year old is so
positive....I do not want to rub salt in their wounds....but.....
I do want to encourage
anyone fence sitting, dreading pursuing a formal Dx....do not fear it and do
not put it off. Things can get so so so dreadfully bad for these kids as they
become young adults. Sure, (hearing the diagnosis is) so sad....I gave up "Back To School
Night" after 9th grade.....it just made me sad about how low her abilities
are.....and made me feel a distance from her, fear being a crappy element in a
relationship.....but she is not sad! She is love personified. She has space in
her life so she can express her compassion for others. She has a sense of humor
that delights and an eye for beauty in the world that allows her great artistic
expression.
Will our retirement life
look different from those with typical kids? Very likely. Will it be good life?
With her in our lives, it will be without a doubt.
Don't let fear slow you
down. Get the most inclusive Dx you can, you can always back off later if it's
limiting. Build a case history that explains their quirks as different, not as
failures. Set everyone up for successful transitioning to young adulthood.
I
know some here don't want to hear about problems....and the parents on that
FASD Teen Young Adult site don't want to hear about successes! (They are so
down that they just need a place to vent with other BTDT parents) I have feet in both communities....many
communities. Bottom line, when it comes to a diagnosis don't wait!!!
Yes to everything you said. Our little girl came from Russia in 2004. She was ten and a half months and we were assured she had been born to a mother who never drank. I had six biological children and knew from the first visit we had with her that she was probably not going to ever be okay. I hoped we could heal her but tried to be realistic. I tried to parent her the same way I had parented my other babies and toddlers but the square peg/round hole thing was there. Nothing really worked. When we got the diagnosis she was about two and a half. Learning about FAS made all the difference. Once I had reasonable expectations and stopped trying to parent her as I had parented my others, our lives became so much easier and our little girl did so much better. THEN, when she was about six her doctor convinced us to try medication for her hyperactivity and attention span. Our lives changed again because she could suddenly sit still long enough to learn and she learned to follow some directions. Our sweet ten year old daughter is so so sweet. She LOVES animals and does not have all the horrible problems with anger and meltdowns like I hear described by so many other parents. She'll never be able to count money probably. She'll never be able to make good, safe decisions. She'll always trust anyone that she meets. She'll always live with us. And she is a wonderful, caring, sweet, funny, lovable, darling girl.
ReplyDeleteYour daughter sounds so much like mine. You are one lucky mama.
Lisa from Quirks and Chaos
Great to hear from you Lisa - What little is shared about people affected is usually overwhelmingly negative. We need to tell our positive stories!! People need to know that with the right support the narrative can be so different.
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